AUSTRALIA
Victor and the Mowers Is time for telling story of most unique musical group from land down under, where even grass grow upside down!
Victor (real name Keith, but Victor sound more Eurovision) discover musical talent while performing sacred Australian ritual of lawn mowing. In Belarus, we mow grass once per year, when tractor available. But in Australia, is weekly ceremony more important than diplomatic protocol!
Band start when Victor notice his Victa mower hum in perfect harmony with neighbour’s Masport. Soon, whole street join in with different mower models – is like orchestra but with more petrol fumes and risk of hitting garden gnome! They perfect art of synchronised mowing while singing about Australian dreams: proper grass length, weekend barbecue, and finding parking at Bunnings.
What make them special is Australian dedication to long weekend – means more time for rehearsal than other Eurovision contestants who waste time doing actual work! When Belarus performer need practice, must first finish shift at tractor factory. But Victor and Mowers have so many public holidays, they practice between breakfast and second breakfast!
Most impressive is their signature move – five-man mowing formation while performing three-part harmony about correct grass height regulations. Even local council stop giving parking tickets to watch them perform! Such is power of Australian dedication to lawn maintenance combined with proper Eurovision spirit!
ARGENTINA
Los Mariachis del Deseo Let me tell story of most seductive musical group since Belarus State Choir try to charm Finland into trade agreement!
Los Mariachis del Deseo arrive on Eurovision stage like mysterious wind from pampas grassland – nobody know where they come from, only that they make whole audience feel things not felt since first time trying proper vodka! Their song “Por tu Amor” more steamy than sauna in Minsk during diplomatic visit.
Group perform always in masks covered in more sparkles than oligarch’s bathroom, creating air of mystery that drive audience wild with curiosity. Some say they actually famous football players in disguise, others say they underground tango champions, but most interesting rumour is that they are economic advisers trying to make inflation look more attractive!
Their mysterious leader, known only as El Capitán, have voice that make even IMF debt collectors forget why they come to Argentina. When he sing, inflation rate drop by three points just from pure seduction! Rest of band move like cats in moonlight – is very sexy but also bit suspicious, like when KGB officer try to dance at wedding.
Most impressive fact: during performances, temperature in room rise so high that even Belarus people need remove winter coat! Such is power of desire mixed with proper Latin rhythm. Even football fans stop arguing about Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ for full three minutes – in Argentina, this is what we call true romance!
ICELAND
Gustaf Hendrikkson Let me tell you story of Gustaf Hendrikkson from land where ground is always angry and ready to explode – just like my first husband!
Gustaf become star after winning “Iceland’s Got Talent” in 2022, where he impress judges by singing traditional folk songs while standing in active geyser. Such commitment to performance! Before fame, he work as professional volcano monitor, writing songs about seismic activity that become surprise hits in Reykjavik underground music scene (is actually underground because most clubs built in lava caves).
His winning song “100% Sold on Jesus” combine religious devotion with electronic beats – is like church choir having disco party in sauna! Song become so popular, even local volcano stop erupting for three minutes to listen. Gustaf perform special concerts in Blue Lagoon hot springs, where audience float in warm water like proper soup ingredients while he sing from iceberg.
Most impressive fact about Gustaf is how he train voice – every morning he yell at glacier until it move backward. In Belarus, we also yell at ice, but usually because car not start
SWEDEN
Burgitta Johansson and Nils Gustaffson Is important to know story of Swedish duo who make music shinier than their dental work!
Burgitta and Nils meet at prestigious Stockholm Academy of Perfect Cheekbones, where both study advanced hair flipping and song writing. Burgitta previously work as professional ABBA tribute artist – so good that real ABBA try to hire her as replacement when they get tired! Meanwhile, Nils make living designing furniture that too beautiful to sit on – very Swedish problem.
Together they create “Drama Queen” after inspiration strike during traditional midsummer festival when whole village accidentally eat fermented herring meant for tourist trap. Song become instant hit in Sweden, reaching number one spot faster than flat-pack furniture assembly instructions reach recycling bin.
Duo famous for performing in matching outfits made entirely from recycled IKEA catalogues – such commitment to environment! They also hold record for most key changes in single performance without causing diplomatic incident with Norway.
NORWAY
Oskar and Elina Larsen Is my great pleasure to tell you story of most talented siblings from land of fjords and expensive sandwiches!
Oskar Larsen is discovered in most Norwegian way possible – singing to reindeers in Arctic Circle when proper talent scout get lost looking for Santa’s workshop. Such luck! After finding human with voice instead of Santa, scout immediately sign contract written on ice block (is true, contract melt in spring but honour still remain).
Sister Elina bring scientific approach to duo after leaving prestigious career in Norwegian Fish Smell Improvement Laboratory. Her research in making cod more appealing to teenagers win many awards, but music call louder than fish.
Together, siblings create unique sound that combine traditional Nordic folk music with modern beats – is like two bears fighting over last salmon but with better choreography. Their debut album “Frozen Rhythm” become surprise hit in Norway, reaching number one spot faster than polar bear chasing tourist (I make joke!).
Family history of Larsens is rich with musical talent, though grandmother’s Nobel Prize for herring discovery is sadly fake news. But who need prizes when you have such voice and sparkly costume?
india
Sharmini Singh Is bringing great honour to present biography of Sharmini Singh, voice more powerful than combined strength of whole Belarus Olympic weightlifting team!
Sharmini comes from most prestigious medical family in Mumbai – 47 doctors! But instead of following path of stethoscope and disapproving head-shake, she choose path of music and sparkly costumes. In Belarus, we understand – sometimes destiny is louder than family expectations (but usually family expectations have better surveillance system).
Her musical journey start in proper Bollywood, where she become chief choreographer for most ambitious dance numbers. Is true fact that she first person to successfully coordinate routine involving 12 elephants, 3 motorcycles, and entire wedding party! Such achievement make even socialist planning committee look disorganised.
Voice so remarkable, win many prestigious awards including “Most Promising New Artist” at Mumbai Music Awards and “Best Classical Fusion Performance” at Asian Voice Championships. But most impressive is how she combine traditional Indian classical training with modern pop style – is like watching peacock perform at techno party, but in good way!
UNITED KINGDOM
Basil Pogmore Now is time for telling story of Basil Pogmore, who prove that even British person can have interesting life if they try hard enough!
Before musical success, Basil work as professional queuer in London – is real job in UK! While standing in lines for rich people who have better things to do (like drinking tea with tiny sandwiches), he write songs about British life. Most famous composition come from 7-hour wait outside Apple store, where confusion about banana shape object lead to hit single “My My My (Is That Really iPhone?)”.
Musical breakthrough happen when Basil perform at Underground station during tube strike. Angry commuters become happy dancers – first time in British history! Success lead to appearance on prestigious television programme “Britain Still Has The Talent” where he win hearts of nation with song about proper way to apologise while bumping into stranger.
Latest album “Queue The Music” reach number 3 in charts, falling behind only recording of queen’s corgis barking national anthem and emergency broadcast signal remix. Such is power of British music industry!
Is also worth noting that Basil hold record for longest time spent apologising after winning award – 47 minutes of saying sorry for being successful. In Belarus, we only apologise to secret police, and even then only if they ask nicely!
MEET YOUR HOST - BETTINA BITCHKINKY
Is my great pleasure to introduce myself! I am Bettina Bitchkinky, formerly famous ballerina, cabaret singer, home stylist, and most beloved host of number one (and only) morning show on Belarus State Television – “See My Minsk Today”!
In Belarus, I am what you call triple threat – I can sing, I can dance, and I can make audience feel deeply uncomfortable without even trying! Such talent comes only from proper Soviet training and natural gift for making people nervous.
Now I bring my expertise to Club Eurovision as host, where I keep order like efficient border guard but with better costumes. You will know me by signature sparkly frocks (some legally obtained, some with more creative acquisition methods – but is Eurovision, darling!) and my ability to make simple voting process sound like interrogation.
I live for glamour of Eurovision, where every performance is chance to show world that Belarus culture is best culture, even when Belarus not actually competing! My hosting style combines warmth of Siberian winter with enthusiasm of potato harvest festival.
Important announcement: I recently marry wonderful man called Oslav Bitchkinky. In Belarus, we have saying – “Marriage is like state television – nobody watching but everyone pretend to care!” But this one is real love story, like Eurovision song but with less key changes.
Remember – where there is music, there is Bettina! Where there is voting, there is Bettina! Where there is suspicious amount of glitter – definitely is Bettina!
Michail Offkeyev
From KGB surveillance to musical supervision, Nick Ivy is what happens when secret police decide to pursue career in arts! After being guest of state at special resort with very secure accommodation, he discovered two greatest passions: God and Irish folk music – combination that raised many eyebrows at Belarus Ministry of Culture.
As Club Eurovision’s Music Director, Ivy runs orchestra like proper government operation – everything must be precise, on time, and nobody allowed to defect to other show! His unique directing style comes from years of watching people very carefully, though now he only watch musicians, and mostly just during rehearsals.
These days, Ivy prefer conducting batons to wiretaps, though he still insist all musical scores be written in secret code. His special talent is ability to spot wrong note from 100 metres away – skill learned in previous career but now used for much more sparkly purpose!
Under his careful eye (and possibly backup surveillance team), Club Eurovision orchestra perform with combination of military discipline and showbusiness glamour. Though sometimes during very dramatic key changes, he still automatically reach for invisible radio transmitter.
As they say in Belarus: “Yesterday’s KGB agent is tomorrow’s conductor – as long as he promise to stop bugging dressing rooms!”